Oh my “word”. It has begun.
Starting out on a new life, I wish to say ‘again’, but it (always) feels so new, I can’t claim that I’ve been here before, even if I might have. Isn’t it all just in the head/mind/ego anyway?
On saying “No!” to my previous life, which wasn’t bad at all, just expired, in fact, much envied by most, I was confronted by a vacuum, an emptiness, a HOLE so to speak, slap bang in the middle of my chest. This emotional phenomena I experienced so intensely that I could feel it physically, or rather, ‘not’ feel it physically, since it was so empty and.. empty.. nothing. No – Thing.
This emptiness wasn’t new, and it wasn’t unfamiliar. It had been a long-standing avoidance. It had been a lack of self-love. It had been me, hiding. It had been an excuse, applied wherever my dearest ego saw opportunity for blame. ..and it had been enough… Enough of living with it, though in the past enough of a scapegoat. Enough of a feeling of ‘aliveness’ even if it’s painful. Enough to not step up to my own plate of compassion. But now it had been far enough and long enough that i had been humouring this “no”thing.
Being nursed in this space now, is a new receptivity, a beautifully blossoming trust, a becoming.
The process and exodus, so to speak, required brave and strategic moves, most of which, surprisingly, were very mundane, simple. It is still taking courage, seeing it through, carrying on, keeping a “vision”, which, in all essence is purely undefined as yet.
To appreciate trust, one must experience the lack of it. To learn to trust, one must step through the fear of yet another challenge, adamantly claiming a new reality, step by step, for oneself. There is no other way, but to just simply shift from “Yes, I’ll live with it” to “NO! I Won’t” to “YES! What’s next?”.
I give thanks to this “no”thing of emptiness. It has been the one and only thing that would dislodge me from an all consuming comfort, soon to have become dis-comfort.
“No, thank you!” now to all that is yesterday… even the good and the great of the past. I have loved and experienced it all perfectly as it were and am ready now for all that is new.
Oh my “word”… as my word required “NO!”.. it then became “YES!”